canciones en vivo
NUMERO UNO
Paranoid - Black Sabbath
I was always told stories of how when I was born, my cousin Eric was the most excited. He always wanted to carry me and would never return me to my mom, grandma, any adult that was looking after me at the time. He used to live at my grandma's house around this time, and so he had his own room there. He used to lock me in there with him when I'd get older and sit me in front of the TV to watch MTV music videos of his favorite artists and bands, make me watch his favorite movies with him, etc. My family likes to tease that "I was tortured" by him because I really had no choice in whether I could stay or go. I credit a lot of my current interests to him, as funny as it is, because of this. One of his favorite groups was Black Sabbath, or Ozzy Osborne in general. He's met him a couple of times before, actually. My parents were the ones to take him to see Black Sabbath when he was younger. This band was one of the ones he would "torture" me with.
I love Black Sabbath also, partially because of him and partially because my parents also like the band. I was constantly around it. When my cousin passed last year in January, I'd never hated music more. I went into one of the deepest depressions of my life. He was like an older brother to me, and often he would introduce himself to friends and boyfriends as my uncle and not my cousin. He was that protective over me, felt that protective over me. When he passed I couldn't stand to listen to any of his favorite songs he'd share with me, any of his favorite bands. It reminded me that he wasn't there, and that I wouldn't be hearing from him any time soon. It didn't matter which song by Black Sabbath it was; I couldn't listen to any of it. I chose this song because it was the one I'd hear him listening to most. It's also one of my personal favorites, and the one I missed listening to the most since his passing.
NUMERO DOS
Baby One More Time - Britney Spears
Along with Black Sabbath, my cousin Eric was also obsessed with Britney Spears. I was always told stories of how he would memorize her choreography and perform "concerts" for my aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, anyone around that was able to watch him perform when he was younger. He's seen her in concert a couple times as well. I remember when he used to live at my grandma's house, his room was covered wall to wall, ceiling to floor, in posters cut from magazines. There would be Black Sabbath and Ozzy Osborne posters, Rob Zombie, and especially Britney Spears. If you knew my cousin, you knew his obsession with her. You'd never met a more devoted fan than him. And because of this obsession, I was also consequently "tortured" with her videos as well. Once I was born, I became his most avid audience member. I was told he even tried to teach me the choreography to her songs too once I was old enough. I wish I remembered them, but I was way too young.
He used to show me a lot of her videos, of course, but this was the one that always stuck with me. Because it was shown so many times, I memorized the chorus at the age of four. It became my favorite song of the time. There's a video on a CD of me doing karaoke, mumbling the verses but once we get to the chorus, I'm screaming the words. Whenever I was thinking of Eric after he passed, no matter where I was or what I was doing, a Britney song would come on the radio, or through Bluetooth on my phone. It never failed. He always listened. When it was this song that would start to play, it never failed to send me into tears. My cousin's passing was the hardest I ever had to learn to navigate through. I still can't listen to too much Britney Spears, only because she was his all time favorite artist. But learning to let this song play again is a good start.
NUMERO TRES
Circles - Post Malone
Seasons change and I can't let go.
I, for the most part, am a very private person. In part because I'm a pretty introverted person, and in part because it's hard for me to share my intense emotions to anyone. I hate feeling weak, or like a burden, and so I usually choose not to share with anyone, no matter who they are to me. When I would talk about Eric passing, though, people are usually shocked when I answer the question of how old he was when he passed, especially when he'd usually introduce himself as my uncle to my friends. He was thirty-three years old when he passed. It was very unexpected, and since it was during peak COVID times, no one was allowed in the hospital other than his mom (my aunt) and his brother. My mom and I watched him pass through Facetime. I'm not afraid to say it was a traumatic experience for me. We were so close, it hurt more than anything to watch him go and not have been there in person. Before he left, he was unresponsive, but could still comprehend and hear, so we would speak to him before he left. There's still nothing I would have loved more than to be there in person to speak to him for the last time.
Because of how young he was, he would still keep up with trends and pop culture. He really loved Post Malone when he was just starting to come out, especially when he made a song featuring Ozzy Osbourne. But Circles was his favorite song of his. He would listen to it all the time, as was his habit of doing with things he really enjoyed. This was the song that I still, despite having done this project, cannot listen to. It's hard because it's still a popular song and is played often. When he first passed it was even harder, because it always had a habit of playing on the radio when I would either least expect it, or was thinking so heavily of him. It's the one song that its lyrics hit hardest for me when I think of him. I don't know how long it will take for me to be able to listen to this song again, but I was able to listen to it a little bit to make this project, and I think that alone is good progress. Not a day goes by where I don't think of him, and I like to think that he's always with me no matter what, always checking up on me.
